It's that time again, time for me to ramble and for those of you who read my ramblings to raise your eyes heavenwards and tut loudly.
I have had a rough few weeks and as I always do I have drawn back into myself whilst my head tries to get some understanding of what's changed and what it means for me.
This is about my health again and the twists and turns it is taking me through as it progresses and first I fight it, then I deny it, then I (hopefully) understand it and lastly I attempt to accept it.
What does disability mean to you?
Someone who has problems with certain things? Mobility maybe
Some sort of physical problems and the pain etc associated with that.
Rightly or wrongly I guess that is where I placed myself and my condition, the skin disease means I have problems with sore hands/feet/ears etc
The arthritis means my joints are stuck/swollen etc
And of course the pain caused by these things are what I considered to be my disability. It was this disability that forced me to stop working, stopped me from being able to drive and so on......
So I accepted that, accepted my limitations and continued on with my life as best I could.
So where does being ill fit in?
I don't mean a cold, the flu or any one of the numerous illnesses you can have and recover from in weeks or months, I mean a never ending worsening illness that is connected to your medical condition.
Consider this....you do too much one day and please bear in mind that 'doing too much' for me now was just doing normal things a few years back, anyway you do too much one day and then for the next few days you're ill, not a bit tired or weary but physically too ill to go out or even get out of bed.
Other symptoms like headaches (temporal arthritis)
Side effects from medications you need like nausea, dizziness, lethargy
Infections that follow one another through your body
Overheating so badly that I stand outside whilst hubby shivers in a sweater.
Hang on.....these aren't what I signed up for, these aren't disability
These are symptoms of an illness
But I don't want to be ill, I don't want to have a chronic medical condition that makes me ill.
(Ok that's the foot stamping over)
I went to talk to my GP as I was having some pretty rough side effects from new Meds she had wanted me to try and whilst she agreed some of it may well be down to the Meds she also asked what else I had been doing for the few days previous to feeling so rough.......
Well, I had been busy that week, stayed at father in laws for four days, went to hospital appointment on day five and then to see my parents.....so?
So Penny you are not accepting your 'chronic condition' is progressing and you are at times not going to feel well.
It IS a chronic condition/ disease and it does make me feel really rough at times but I had been finding every other possible excuse to explain it away rather than look at what was really happening to me, why?
Because I had a hard enough job coming to terms with being unable to do things due to being disabled without accepting that the disability is down to a chronic medical condition that also makes me feel so ill at times.
I can almost see those of you in the know shaking your heads, it's the chronic condition that caused the disability, they are one and the same thing and the progression is what I need to accept and deal with.
Ok, don't push me, I will get there in my own good time and in the meantime I shall curse and scream at what's happening to me so cover your ears my friends.
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