Friday, 7 September 2012

Another step sideways

It's 3.30am, what sort of time is this to be sitting here contemplating writing?
I am riding the emotional roller coaster again at the moment and just before I dip back down Into the dark recess I thought I would do what I usually find myself doing at these times and put pen to paper......ok, fingers to the iPad!
The week started well, Claire (daughter) took me and Molly (puppy) to Hatfield forest with my grandson Morgan for lunch. My family have now got the idea that I can't walk very far at all but his wasn't going to be a problem as she was going to sit me under a tree in the shade while she and Morgan and Molly enjoyed walking along the river and round the lake. We will gloss over the fact that said seat under tree was a wee bit further than she remembered or that I very stupidly fell over on my way back to the car, all in all the trip out was a success.
Monday was also my grandaughters birthday and we had offered to take her and her baby brother ( and their mum of course) out for a birthday meal that evening so Monday proved to be a full on busy and enjoyable day.
Tuesday is always town with mum day, it's a struggle but those of you who know me will know I make every effort to do this each week as it is special time spent with my mum.
Wednesday I was in trouble, I hurt, I could hardly move and staying awake seemed to be beyond me for most of the day.
So ok we knew there would be payback for enjoying the beginning of the week, I expect it now and after my unfortunate fall On Monday I knew I was going to be in pain and have trouble moving.
I accept all this, have been here before and know that with rest and a few sensible days I will return to the normal levels of pain and restriction so what's this all about?
Well it seems that I don't only suffer physically I also suffer emotionally as my mood drops drastically and I made the mistake of asking myself why, trying to analyse yourself is never a good idea believe me!
Continued after a few hours sleep........
It seems that physical tiredness and extreme pain breaks through some of the defences surrounding my emotions and gives me a path to them that if I had any sense I wouldn't take....
I looked in the mirror and didn't like the fat middle aged disabled woman that stared back at me, I raised my arm in a wave hoping against hope that she wouldn't respond but of course she did, this IS me now!
Slowly but surely this condition/illness/disability is taking me away from who I thought I was and replacing me with .......?
Firstly the jewellery had to go because fingers swelled and skin reacted to anything but the purest gold...
Then choice of clothing became very limited due to needing help dressing and not being able to do buttons or zips etc, pull on trousers and baggy tops are now the norm.....
More recently I have had my hair cut short to help with the over heating problem and also as hubby has to wash my hair for me, again ease of use......
I think the problem is none of these has been my choice just as stopping work, stopping driving etc was also not a choice I made, these things have happened to me, out of my control.....and there's the rub isn't it? Control, we all like to believe we are in control of our own destiny, that we can make choices on which paths we choose to follow through life.
Acceptance is a word I hear often and use often myself, you have to reach a place of acceptance of who you now are, who you become each time things change, I understand this believe me I do but there are no signposts to acceptance and I have no sense of direction as my husband and kids will tell you.
And anyway I can't arrive at acceptance looking like this, I need to smarten myself up,
bright clothes maybe to brighten my mood?
I do actually like my hair short
I really can't do much about my weight but maybe I can try eating a bit healthier than I do
It is possible that this is the road to acceptance I am on and I just need to side step these barriers when I come to them.
When I see the woman in the mirror next time I will attempt a smile after all she is on this road too.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Jane said...

Have to put my hand up to being guilty of the 'acceptance' talk. Don't forget I have trodden the very same path you are. I fell very very deep into the abyss that is trying to get your head around losing everything that defines you. Totally life changing and as you say, you have absolutely no control over it at all.

Something that helped me was to find something completely new, a hobby, interest that I'd not done before my condition. In a sense forging a new life within the constraints I now have. It meant that I could stop desperately trying to hang on to what I'd lost and make the most of what I have.

Actually acceptance is the wrong word isn't it? It isn't about accepting what has happened to you, it's about making the most of the life you now have. Trying your hardest to live it to the full, do things despite what your condition throws at you. Or how it punishes you afterwards.

Regardless of what you do, the condition isn't going anywhere. Isn't better to focus on the positive, make the most of it and celebrate what you can do? By doing so you take that control back and can live again. Not just exist.

Here for you always xx

feline9 said...

I understand exactly what you are saying, I hate when I catch sight of me in a shop window or mirror when I haven't had a chance to prepare myself.

It is, as you say, the lack of control and the fact that you have become totally identified as your disease. It is in control of how you feel, how you sleep, how you has taken over.

You can try to fight against it, but each time you fail, you feel a failure. You haven't tried hard enough, and hat just makes you feel worse.

Acceptance is a funny word, if you accept too easily, that is almost a criticism. You are expected to strive.....for whatever it is. If you strive too much you haven't learned to accept your limitations.

I keep trying to be bold and bright and smile etc etc so I give off the impression of dealing with it, but I honestly don't think I ever will fully - this isn't me, what I see in the mirror isn't the me I feel inside, Si I will continue to compromise, with the red hair, makeup, jewellery - all the things that are me only exaggerated. That or become a hermit - which I might well do anyway through no choice of my own...

Anonymous said...

feline 9, we'll never be hermits as long as we have each other.

Penny... I know how you feel because as I read your post I could have written it. I frequently question "acceptance" am I accepting defeat or accepting and moving forward... guess it depends on the day. Hang in their my friend, I will if you will :)