Life seems to be a huge trek uphill a lot of the time recently what with my health, the problems/battles with the DWP and other niggly little things that when put together turn into major issues.
On the other side of this is the coasting glide down the other side of the hill with the joy of our new home, the friends and family that have helped make it what it is today and the little everyday things that when put together make the sun shine.
One day I feel quite blessed and in high spirits as I appreciate or am reminded of what I have.
One day I feel quite ill, sick to my stomach when I realise how much I have lost.
How can this be?
It seems I go so far up one side of the hill, coast gently down again only to start the climb all over again.
Why don't I just settle somewhere maybe half way up?
Am I greedy wanting to feel happiness without this balancing sense of fear and loss?
Is this something we all feel?
Is a sense of loss of things we wanted/had natural as we get older and go through life stages?
Only you can answer that one for yourself as only I can try to understand how and why I continue to feel these emotions on this roller coaster ride that is my everyday life.
If I could scream at a superior being, an entity, a God I would ask if my life was his/her idea of a joke, or was it perhaps a lesson I had to learn and relearn?
We all go through life obtaining things and losing them again or other comparable things that account for our losses such as wealth, possessions, people, employment, positions in life.
You're a daughter and then a mother, maybe a sister, a grandmother, a friend,
I could write about the losses from every stage of the examples I have written above but we all have or will experience those losses at some stage in our lives won't we?
Should we mourn them? Is it right to miss the positions we held in our families or in our society?
What if your loss is your health?
This of course leads to other losses
Sense of self
Such a lot of losses!
Should we just 'cope' is it ok to be angry? Scared? Angry? Bemused? Angry?
People tell me what a lovely home I now have and I do, it's wonderful, it's everything I could have wanted and more, it's brought peace, it's brought joy and it's brought such fury!!!
Why now? After all the years when I could have lived life in it to the full
Why now? When my health is likely to get worse and more confining
Why now? When I am getting older, too old to fully appreciate it
Why now? Why now?
Is it true that there is a time for everything and everything has it's time?
If it is true maybe this is my time, now, this minute to be just me, the me I am now.
Happiness as a whole complete entity in its own right doesn't truly exist, it is always tinged with sadness, regret and loss..........
But that isn't the end of the story, take it, nurture it, live it, share it and gratefully receive it......