Does that sound strange?
It does even to me but after a few weeks of wondering how I felt and why I felt this way I have decided the primary feeling is one of being lost.
So why do I feel this way?
You may ask, or you may not but I am going to try to explain it anyway.
Many of you will know that the DWP and their partners in crime ATOS awarded me my ESA support group a few weeks back and have promised to leave me alone now until 2016.
A time for celebration?
A huge relief?
An easing of the stress?
Yes yes and yes, all of these things but more, an underlying unsettled feeling too, a niggling not quite right feeling, not unhappy by any means but not quite happy either.
Why do I still have the dread?
Because others are still going through the trauma
Others are still facing an uncertain future
Others are still dying whilst awaiting an appeal
Now I am no saint, I can be as selfish as the next person I'm sure,
I can feel smug because the fight for me for the moment is over.......
NO, no you see I can't and there is the source of my discontent, my restlessness.
I tried to ignore the stories, the articles, the tweets, I stayed off twitter and Facebook, I wanted to bask in the relief that it was no longer desperate in my own situation.
I covered my ears and my eyes, sang over the cries of others and walked away from 'the troubles'
At least I attempted to but you see that is not me,
it is not who I am or how I think, feel or behave.
My own health took a turn for the worse with the arrival of ear infections that just wouldn't respond to treatment, this in turn led to the withdrawal of funding for the new medication I was supposed to be trying to slow progression of this disease down.
This then meant trips to the doctors practically weekly for the past few months and I tried really hard to concentrate just on that for the moment.
It wasn't being selfish to look towards my own health and my needs during this time was it?
NO, no of course it wasn't and yet still this unsettled feeling persisted.
Gradually I allowed the reports to filter back in to my consciousness,
Gradually I heard again the cries of others fighting for their benefits and their lives.
Gradually I saw again the pictures of those that meant sick/disabled harm.
And gradually I again felt the rage, the fear, the hopelessness and the fight return.
You see I can't be all cosy and smug in my safe little world while many many others are in fear, in pain and dying at the hands of this cruel government.
I can't smile and pretend all is well with me while friends are going through the stress I went through.
I can't turn my back and walk away not even for a while
It's not me, it's not in my heart to ignore the battle being faced by others.
Every time I see/hear the latest figures, the latest fiction put out by this government I am consumed with anger.
Every time I talk to someone going through this unfair system I am consumed with grief for them.
Every death touches me
Every wrong decision enrages me
Every lie told infuriates me.
How can I sit back and not feel, not do, not fight and not care?
How can I celebrate my small victory when so many others are still fighting?
Not because I am some sort of activist, not because I enjoy the fight, not because I want attention or any back patting etc....
Because I am human and I care