Saturday, 14 July 2012

Welcome to my journey

Being tired is not a crime, being disabled is not a crime so why do I always feel I have to push myself to my absolute limit before I allow myself to stop?

Let me explain, if I can as I am not even sure I understand my actions at times......
Two weeks ago we took my parents to my cousins for 4 days in the New forest, it was lovely, great fun and not overly stressful for me as my cousin is aware of my limitations and is great to be with. Still I suppose I did more/different things there than I normally would at home and the journey there and back is about my limit of being able to sit in the car nowadays so understandably I was tired when we got back home, did I sit and allow myself to recover?

Last Monday we had workmen here to repair the damage caused by the leak from the flat above at Christmas, this meant the kitchen cupboards had to be cleared out for them as well as the wet room, did I leave it to hubby to do?
They were here all week, after they left every day there was cleaning up to be done and finally putting things back in cupboards etc, did I watch hubby do it?

Trevor had been asked to give his niece a hand this week with her garden, he loves gardening and since we have been in this flat for the past 19 years we have had no garden of our own so I know he enjoys helping the family with theirs.
Now I could have said ' I am really not feeling well enough to be left for a few hours today' or that I couldn't manage the puppy on my own especially if she needed to go outside but did I?
He went for few hours in the morning on two days this week, came back for lunch time and then went back For a few more hours in the afternoon.
I could have called him the first time Molly wanted to go out, or the second time when my body was screaming at me 'you won't make it'
But did I?

The answer is no, not once did I listen to my body as it begged me to ease up, warned me it couldn't take anymore, screamed at me to stop now.....not once did I rest when my body hurt so much I had tears in my eyes as I pushed on......not once did I call Trevor or the girls and say " I need help please"
Why not?

Sheer stubbornness? Bloody minded ness? Pride?
All of those things I suspect but more than that, a feeling that I can't give in to this condition, that it makes me less than I should be to admit I can't do things anymore, that it demeans me and what I stand for in some way.
Are we pre programmed with the sense of weakness being wrong, that strength of character is so important or that sick/ill/disabled people are somehow less important than strong healthy people?
Or is it the way society today is being encouraged to view us as second class citizens, shirkers, scroungers that is having an effect and making me so determined to fight against common sense and my bodies limitations?

Why am I afraid to accept things as they are?
Why do I refuse to listen to what my body tells me?
Why do I continue to make my own life so hard?
I don't have all the answers but I will keep looking for them, welcome to my journey.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


John Griffin said...

Penny, it's not stubbornness, bloody-mindedness or pride. It's purely down to the fact that you are one of the most generous, kind, caring, selfless and downright wonderful people on the planet.
Well, okay, you're also stubborn and bloody-minded, but I've never held that against you (kidding, lol). You're always telling me to take things easy, so here's a proposition: I'll chill if you will. Deal? Take of you, P. xxx

michelle maher said...

I know what you talking about as I do the same,we do not want to be like we are, we push and push.I am also struggling to get through a PHD. As I said to a friend recently why would I go on about my limitations as it means I need to admit them and that then becomes a mental battle. It is boring, it is tedious,but,I feel I need to make a joke or push myself, as not doing so is giving in, and I can do that when I am very bad quietly to myself. Bravery,rhetoric from this gov I do not know but I do know I need to handle it that way most of the time.

Jane said...

Speaking as one serial 'overdoer' to another, I know exactly where you're coming from. Like you I am stubborn, bloody minded and don't know when to stop!

Somehow, and I don't claim to have the answer, have got to find a way to say no. That's at the heart of the problem, but I also know how lovely you are, and don't know how to say no.

What I would say is that there is no shame in admitting, if only to yourself, that things are too much. Too hard. That you have got to rest. Nobody will think any the less of you. It is a brave thing to admit that you just can't do what you used to. If you can, life becomes easier and you can focus your energy on the good things rather than beat yourself up.

Dominic Ross said...

I'm the same Penny. I think we all are, desperate to lead the live we once did.
I wish I could sit back and take it easy, but I can't, and won't.