Saturday, 27 August 2011

Go or don't go, I really don't care.

Hubby is spending this bank holiday weekend with his friends from the social club on a golfing weekend break, I don't mind him going, truly I don't, he used to go several times a year up to a couple of years ago and these golfing holidays used to be for a week at a time. Now due to my progressive disease progressing and our attempting to live on benefits he is only going this once this year and only then because his brothers have met the cost for him in return for some gardening etc.
He will only be away for 2 nights and 3 days so hardly a long period of time but tonight, the night before he goes I am noticing the familiar sinking, slight panicky feeling I have had other times when he has gone away.
I have always explained these to myself previously as annoyance,upset because I have objected to his going abroad without me and for a week at a time, we used to have huge arguments about these trips so my life would be very unsettled for the period before he actually went and I would often be left an emotional wreck.
Once he had actually gone I would pick myself up and get on with it, having the tv remote was always a bonus, room to stretch across the bed, time to eat what and when I chose and no one to consider but myself. In fact by the time he was due to return I was quite enjoying being without him and it took me days to settle back down with him when he was back.
But this time it is different, my daughter is coming to stay with me as I can no longer be left alone for that amount of time, one part of me is really looking forward to it and another part finds it hard to accept that my daughter is effectively baby sitting me!
He is only going to be gone for a short time and he is not leaving this country, so why am I still having these panicked feelings?
Why do I feel as if I am still going to be an emotional wreck once he has gone?
I have always been fiercely independent and a strong willed person who has fought against dependence on my family since the beginning of this condition but these feelings suggest I am more dependent on him than I care to admit, even to myself.
Or are these feelings now just a pattern I have become familiar with in the past on these occasions and I am just repeating them unconsciously?
I don't know...yet, more soul searching is needed, maybe I will come up with answers or maybe I won't, I wrote this purely as a testament to how I feel right now, do I have to justify it?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


JustASpur said...

Forget history sweetheart. Trev deserves his fun and you should look at your daughter coming not as baby sitting but as a chance for the two of you to spend some quality alone time together. And enjoy complete control of the remote and the extra space in bed with gusto! xxxx

feline9 said...

I had rambled on but managed to lose it! putting myself in your shoes, I would be a mix of glad that my family cared enough to consider my well being, and dread/annoyance that I was considered incapable of looking after myself for a few days. Also,of course, in case I had to agree it was needed! We are so much wanting to be independant and capable it so goes against the grain to be thought of as being in need of assisstance, much less to have to acknowledge it to be true...........

Anonymous said...

Hey Cuz, think you're looking too deeply. Why shouldn't you admit you depend on/need Trevor. I feel like that about John and it's just because we've been together for ages and I feel complete when he is here. I know he is your carer and helps you practically but don't confuse that with just missing him. Lins can help you practically, just talk to her about what YOU need not what she wants to do and you'll have a good time, will giggle and talk girlie stuff and make it a break for you too. Be careful-or next time he goes, I'll come down and look after you! Bring it onx

Ron Graves said...

Hi Penny,

You might just be imbuing this with more importance than it deserves, based on bad memories of earlier absences.

Is there nothing you'd like to do on your own that you wouldn't normally do as a couple? Even if it's only pig out with your favourite takeaway, with a good book to read, uninterrupted.

And if you don't want to be baby-sat, and, more importantly, perhaps, don't actually need it, then put your foot down. Nicely, of course, but firmly.

And in your penultimate para, you've probably hit the nail on the head, though I'd disagree vehemently that more soul-searching needed. You might well be better off with less.


deb aka murphthesurf said...

The fact that you recognize that you have these feelings is the first step. Have a wonderful time with your lovely daughter would be a great second step (ladies only holiday so to say) and hog the third step. Sometimes there is no reason why we feel how we feel, we just do. Go with the flow and try to enjoy yourself the best you can.