Hubby is spending this bank holiday weekend with his friends from the social club on a golfing weekend break, I don't mind him going, truly I don't, he used to go several times a year up to a couple of years ago and these golfing holidays used to be for a week at a time. Now due to my progressive disease progressing and our attempting to live on benefits he is only going this once this year and only then because his brothers have met the cost for him in return for some gardening etc.
He will only be away for 2 nights and 3 days so hardly a long period of time but tonight, the night before he goes I am noticing the familiar sinking, slight panicky feeling I have had other times when he has gone away.
I have always explained these to myself previously as annoyance,upset because I have objected to his going abroad without me and for a week at a time, we used to have huge arguments about these trips so my life would be very unsettled for the period before he actually went and I would often be left an emotional wreck.
Once he had actually gone I would pick myself up and get on with it, having the tv remote was always a bonus, room to stretch across the bed, time to eat what and when I chose and no one to consider but myself. In fact by the time he was due to return I was quite enjoying being without him and it took me days to settle back down with him when he was back.
But this time it is different, my daughter is coming to stay with me as I can no longer be left alone for that amount of time, one part of me is really looking forward to it and another part finds it hard to accept that my daughter is effectively baby sitting me!
He is only going to be gone for a short time and he is not leaving this country, so why am I still having these panicked feelings?
Why do I feel as if I am still going to be an emotional wreck once he has gone?
I have always been fiercely independent and a strong willed person who has fought against dependence on my family since the beginning of this condition but these feelings suggest I am more dependent on him than I care to admit, even to myself.
Or are these feelings now just a pattern I have become familiar with in the past on these occasions and I am just repeating them unconsciously?
I don't know...yet, more soul searching is needed, maybe I will come up with answers or maybe I won't, I wrote this purely as a testament to how I feel right now, do I have to justify it?
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