Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Not coping.... Yet

I'm not sure writing about this now is the right thing for me to do and yet I somehow feel it will help me get my head around it to see it here in black and White. I dont write for sympathy or pity, just for understanding.
I have just returned from my latest hospital appointment, my Rheumatologist is a lovely caring and gentle man who usually ends up laughing with me and my attitude towards my condition. He admits not much is known about Psoriatic arthritis and even less about the form it has taken with me so I have been a bit of a guinea pig. Well today we both had to accept the trials are over and although he didn't want to say it and I didn't want to hear it there is no more that can be done to help me. It's strange because I knew this day would come, I knew eventually I would hear those words but what I didn't know was how I would feel hearing them.
' the damage already caused is permanent' he said, ok so that's swollen stiff hands/fingers that are never going to work properly again, legs that won't carry me any distance ever again, oh Christ, I'll never drive again, bathe myself again, do my own housework again ( hhhmm not all bad then)
How do you come to terms with it? Knowing your going to get steadily worse and worse? How do you get your head from who you believed you were to who you see now?
I can't answer any of this... Yet, I know I will come up with the answers because I always do, I know my smile is still lurking just under the surface because it always is and I know I'm waiting just around the corner until I'm ready to catch myself up again, I just need a little time to find myself again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Anonymous said...

So admire your attitude Penny xx I know you are not looking for sympathy, just stating facts :-( but hey never say never research happening all the time, but I think you are brilliant not accepting the dramatic change to your lifestyle but adjusting to your abilities,thank god you are such a lovely lady with an intelligent,realistic outlook xxso glad I have a mate like you. Beautifully written
Eve xx

Anonymous said...

Beutifully put Penny. Keep trying to smile, its the only thing that they can't take away from you. Take one day at a time...some may be good, others not so good, but you will always be you...a lovely person.

Pat xx