I'm not sure writing about this now is the right thing for me to do and yet I somehow feel it will help me get my head around it to see it here in black and White. I dont write for sympathy or pity, just for understanding.
I have just returned from my latest hospital appointment, my Rheumatologist is a lovely caring and gentle man who usually ends up laughing with me and my attitude towards my condition. He admits not much is known about Psoriatic arthritis and even less about the form it has taken with me so I have been a bit of a guinea pig. Well today we both had to accept the trials are over and although he didn't want to say it and I didn't want to hear it there is no more that can be done to help me. It's strange because I knew this day would come, I knew eventually I would hear those words but what I didn't know was how I would feel hearing them.
' the damage already caused is permanent' he said, ok so that's swollen stiff hands/fingers that are never going to work properly again, legs that won't carry me any distance ever again, oh Christ, I'll never drive again, bathe myself again, do my own housework again ( hhhmm not all bad then)
How do you come to terms with it? Knowing your going to get steadily worse and worse? How do you get your head from who you believed you were to who you see now?
I can't answer any of this... Yet, I know I will come up with the answers because I always do, I know my smile is still lurking just under the surface because it always is and I know I'm waiting just around the corner until I'm ready to catch myself up again, I just need a little time to find myself again.
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