Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Happy new year!

I haven't written a blog for quite some time as I haven't really had anything much to say, you see I believed nothing had changed- the government are still causing distress, poverty and death among sick/disabled, poorly paid and low waged.
They are still selling off anything that doesn't move, they have still messed up our education system and they have still raised the borrowing of this country higher than any previous government. 
They are still fiddling their expenses and lying through their teeth about what they're doing whilst gorging themselves on the rich pickings they have laid their grubby hands on. 
So all is carrying on as normal in parliament thank you and despite marches, protests, petitions etc nothing has changed. 
But then I realised there have been changes, huge changes.... In me!!
Ok so my self confidence and self belief were never particularly good or strong but these last few years have seen them both plummet to new lows as I have questioned my very right to existence after the bombardment of 'useless scroungers, unaffordable disabled, drain on society' rhetoric that has been blasted at me on television, radio, news, on the streets. 
I question everything I do now- the confident Dr of psychology who studied so hard and found pride in her achievements has slowly but surely slid- been pushed- down a slippery slope of despair.
Despair as I've searched for a role in this new scary ever changing life forced on me by a chronic progressive life changing condition.
Despair as every time I adapt and find acceptance of my ever changing capabilities they change again. 
And despair as I stumble upon something I can do, something I enjoy and then I question how that may be perceived by others. 
I am talking here about my dabbling recently in art and crafts, painting, making cards and other bits that have kept me sane and added an interest and enjoyment to my disappearing previous life. 
How sad that something so innocuous so innocent a pleasure has caused an equal amount of doubt, why?
Well one of the first comments made to a picture I posted was 'how can you do that with your hands?' ( psoriasis and arthritis)
I'm not going to explain the how, or the why here as I don't feel I have to but can you see where such an innocent question would lead me in this society of judging each other?
The self doubt, the fear that I could be perceived as 'faking' my condition severity etc etc. 
This blog has been quite hard to write as it has explored some of my darkest feelings but I haven't written it for sympathy or out of self pity, you see I am one of the lucky ones, I have family and friends that love and care about me, that show that love and caring frequently and that boost me ( shake me too lol) at times when it's necessary. 
No, I have written this blog today to ask you to consider those without the loving support I have, those who are feeling this despair, drowning in the hate and the rhetoric that has been aimed at them these past few years and those who have sadly lost their lives because of it. 
Read up on the truth, listen to those of us that are living it, look further than the lies being fed to you and understand, more than anything else I would ask for your understanding. 
Let's go into 2015 together determined to do the right thing, not just for the rich or powerful few but for everyone. 
Happy new year. 

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