Monday, 19 March 2012

Every man for himself.

I wasn't thinking of writing another blog just yet as I didn't believe I had anything much to say but as I thought about it I realised that in itself was reason enough for this blog.
I have found myself in a strange kind of numb no mans land recently, I can only compare it to when your emotions have taken so much they actually shut down for a while and things just drift along.
As many of you will know I have been getting more and more angry, upset, despairing with what is happening in this country and yes to a certain extent that has affected my health as any strong emotions are bound to do.
I realised the other day that at this precise moment in time the things that are happening, and they are now coming thick and fast.....
The end of contribution based ESA
The privatisation of the NHS
The welfare bill getting royal assent
The furore around the fraud regarding A4E
The toll charges on our roads
The ever increasing fuel prices
The closing of Remploy
The workfare debate
The tax cut for the rich
The wage freeze in the poorer areas
And so on and so on, these are touching me like feathers passing at the moment, not one of them has angered, exasperated or upset me, why?
Because I seem to have removed my emotions from what I am reading and hearing, I still take note of it in my brain, I still comment on it but it is no longer touching my heart.
This is me ensuring my survival, not in a conscious way but sub consciously my mind has drawn up the drawbridge and shouted 'every man for himself'
I am reading some awful consequences already being felt by friends on twitter, people being forced to move, people not being able to afford to heat and eat, desperation as more claims for assistance get turned down and even a couple of times recently friends considering suicide, of course I still relate to them, of course I can still acknowledge their desperation and pain but my mind/body is not allowing me to sink into despair with them any more, it is holding me one step back, almost like an interested observer.
This is what my tutors tried to teach me during my counselling/Psychology training but I couldn't grasp the concept, maybe it has taken me getting so close to my own mental destruction for this natural defence to appear.
I am still part of the fight, I am still here for all who need me to be and I will never give in to what this government are doing to us but I am definitely coming at it from a different angle.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


feline9 said...

I understand what you are saying Penny, and I find myself in a similar situation. I have found myself questioning the way some friends are very active in trying to make changes and stop others etc, while I understand it I feel almost removed from it all. I have decided that with stresses in my own life, of various sorts, I have for some time, been hanging on by the fingertips. It doesn't take too much to upset me and while I realise I am on a short fuse, I feel that if I thought too much about the wider problems it would just be too much to deal with. As you mentioned, there is a case of looking after yourself first, cause there is just so much you can deal with. There is the guilt that comes with that, but sometimes, you have to learn when you have to put yourself first, to accept what you can cope with, deal with. The situation may change, but right now this is the situation.

Charlie Wheeler said...

It's called 'The Shock Doctrine' (see Naomi Klein) - overwhelm people with threats to their well-being and a kind of mental paralysis sets in.